Thread: George Carlin's New Rules

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a
re ason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain..Lobster?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them?
Good, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And
the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,
'ooooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait, they're already doing that.
It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
'27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?

Genius

Love it! I've seen him live every chance I've had, which makes it 3 or 4 times now.